Ask Polly I’m Dating A Girl, But I’m Falling In Love With a Man! – The Awl – 365足球投注网站_365滚球网址_足球即时比分

Ask Polly I’m Dating A Girl, But I’m Falling In Love With a Man! – The Awl – 365足球投注网站_365滚球网址_足球即时比分

by admin 三月 15, 2020

DearPolly,

Iama23-year-oldqueergirlwhohasspentthelastyearishinapolyamorousrelationshipthatrecentlyturnedlong-distance。

WhenwefirststartedsleepingtogetherbothsheandIwereinvolvedwithotherpeople,itwasprettycasual,weweregoodfriendswhocaredabouteachotherandwereattractedtoeachother,sowefiguredwhynot,right?

Anyway,timewentonandwhilewewerestillbothseeingotherpeople(shehadafewregularsweetiesinothercities,Iwasseeingoneguywhoturnedouttobeseriouslyallergictohisfeelings,asyouwouldsay,andhavingsomerandomone-nightstandsinthemix),thingsgrewmoreseriousbetweenus。

Inthebuild-uptohermovinghalfwayacrossthecountrytoacitywhereshedoesn’treallyknowanyone,westartedcallingitLOVEandgettingallmisty-eyedandhand-clutchy。

Shortlythereafter,IendedthingswithGuyandwentthroughaBigLonelySadMonthduringwhichweFacebookchattedandSkypedseveraltimesaweek。

Istartedtofeellikeitwasimportanttomymentalhealthtocutthisoutabitbecause,whileIstillcareaboutheragreatdeal,IfeltthatIneededtogroundmyselfinthecityIliveinandstartmovingon。

WhichIdid。

Boy,didI。

Iwentrightoutandfellinlovewithsomebody?

else。

It’sstillnew,likeirresponsiblyso。

Wearesoaheadofourselvesandcarriedaway,andnormallyIwouldbedeadsetagainstit,butthispersoniseverythingIhavebeenwaitingforinapartner。

WhenIbrokeupwiththeotherguy,itwasabitofarevelationasfarasrecognizingthatIreallydowantaseriousrelationship,someonetosharealifewith。

Ithinkthismightbeit。

Andhedoestoo。

Fulldisclosure:heisafulltenyearsolderthanmeandrecentlyseparatedfromaprettyshort-livedmarriage。

Hisageisn’tanissuetome,butIdoworrysometimesabouttheimplicationsofhisgettingsomixedupwithmesorecentlyafterhismarriagefellapart。

We’vetalkedaboutthis,though,aswetalkabouteverything,atlengthandwithcompletehonesty,ourbullshitsensorsworking,andIreallydotrusthimwhenhesaysthisisn’tarebound,hewasn’texpectingit,yesthetimingisoddbuthereallywantstobewithme。

AndIreallywanttobewithhim。

It’samazing。

Wealreadyhavemanymutualfriendsallofwhomapproveandapplaudourrelationship。

ThisisthefirsttimethatI’veeverfeltcomfortablewiththeideaofsettlingintoamonogamouspartnershipwith?

someone。

SoI’moverthemoon,obviously,andwantingtospendallofmytimewiththiswonderfulnewguy。

It’sperfect,exceptforthefactthatIhavethisdearoldfriendwhohappenstobeinlovewithmelanguishinginafar-awaycity。

Imean,Iwasinlovewithhertoo,right?

Ifeltthings,itfeltreal。

Itfeltrealthesamewaythisdoes,butthefactwasthatwebothknewwecouldnevermakemonogamywork。

We’rereallyincompatibleinmanyways,besidesthefactthatshenowlivesthousandsofmilesaway。

Thisguy,itcouldhappen。

Andwebothwanttotry。

SoIhavetobreakherheart,right?

Imean,amIdeludingmyselfthatthisbrand-newpotentialrelationshipisworthit?

AmIjustlookingforsomethingtothrowmyselfintosomydaysaren’tempty?

AmIaterriblepersonforevenconsideringthrowingherunderthebuslikethis?

Tocomplicatematters,sheisgoingtobevisitingmycityinlessthanamonthandwearegoingonashorttourtogether。

Breakingupnowcouldresultinsomeprettyawkwardlongbusrides,andwhatifIchangemymindwhenIfinallyseeherintheflesh?

Myguyisn’tgivingmeanyultimatums(yet)butwheneverwe’vediscussedhavinganopenrelationship,itjustdoesn’tfeelrightforeitherof?

us。

WHATDOIDOOOOO?

SellingOut/SettlingDown

DearSOSD,

Atfirstglance,yoursituationseemsprettyclearcut。

Youwereneverthatintothelong-distancegirl。

Fromthestart,itwasawhat-the-hellkindofathing:“Itwasprettycasual…。

wefiguredwhynot,right?

”Thingsonlygotmoreseriousashermovetoanothercityapproached。

Thenyoubothgotlonely,startedtalkingaboutlove,andstartedtocollaborateonastoryabouthowyouwerelonelymostlybecauseyoucouldn’tbewitheachother。

Thisiswhylong-distancerelationshipssooftenbecomeanenormouswasteofemotionalenergy:It’seasytomakethembiggerandmorespecialthantheyreallyarewhenyou’realoneandlookingforsolace,andit’salsoeasiertoignorethemwhenyou’rehuntingforfresh…flesh?

(WhydoIwanttousetheword“Pootytang”heresoverybadly?

Isthisaself-destructiveimpulse?

Butenoughaboutlong-distancelovergirls。

Let’sthrowthatbathwateroutwiththequeer,polyamorousbaby,becauseitsoundslikeyou’refullyinlovewiththisnewguy,straight,monogamousstyle。

Welcometodullsville,population:lotsof?

‘em。

Justkidding,Ireallydolikeithere。

It’scomfyandquaint。

Anyway:Yourguyisrecentlyseparated。

He’stenyearsolder。

Atyourage,thatmightbeaconcern。

Butyoualreadyhavemutualfriends(huh?

)andtheythinkthatyoutwomakeagreatpair。

Youtalkabouteverything,you’rehonestwitheachother,you’recomfortable,andyou’vealwayswantedarelationshiplikethis。

Committingdoesn’tevenseemscarywithhim。

So,you’reinloveandyou’rehappyandyou’reexcitedaboutthefuture。

WhyamIeventalkingtoyouaboutthis?

again?

Ohyeah。

Here’swhatbothersme。

JustwhenI’mstartingtodriftoninmymindtotheletterwriterwiththefivecatsthatsheworrieswillsomedayeatherfaceoffwhenshediesalone,youask,“AmIjustlookingforsomethingtothrowmyselfintosomydaysaren’tempty?

”Now,granted,thisisaquestionwemightalldowelltoaskourselvesafewtimesaday,inordertopreventexcessivemasturbation,excessiveego-drivenreloadingofthe“Connect”pageonTwitter,excessivespeculatingaboutwhowillslowlyandquietlyandawkwardlymurderwhomonthe“BreakingBad”?

finale。

ButinyourcurrentOverTheMooncircumstances,thisquestion?

—?

“AmIjustlookingforadistraction?

”?

—?

iseitherdisingenuous,i。

e。

you’remerelytryingtoanticipatepotentialcriticism(frommeorfromthewider,razor-sharpAwlaudience),oryouTRULYcan’ttellthedifferencebetweenfallingmadlyinloveandfillingupyourtime。

Ineithercase,I’mstartingtoworryabout?

you。

Next,wehavethis:“AmIaterriblepersonforevenconsideringthrowingherunderthebuslikethis?

”Again,thissoundslikeyou’reeitheranticipatingcriticismandaddressingitproactively,oryouTRULYbelievingthatbreakingupwithsomeonewhoyou’veneverbeenthatinto,whoyou’veonlybeenseeingexclusivelyforabrief,brieftime,wholivesacrossthecountryfromyou,isanevilfuckingthingtodo。

Youalsoreferto“sellingout”?

—?

isthissomehowrelatedtoqueer/polyamorouslabelsvs。

straight/dullsvillelabels?

Doyoufeelguiltyforleavingawomanforamanbecauseyou’veidentifiedasqueerforalongtime?

Dopeoplesay“queer”andthenmentionsleepingwithtwodifferentmenthesedays?

AmItheunfrozencavemanadvicecolumnistfromalandthattimeforgot?

Doyouimaginemesittinghereingiantshoulderpads,pursingmycorallipsoveryournewfangledsituationwhilepuffingonaVirginiaSlimmentholcigarettethatthreatenstosetalightmyFinalNet-lacqueredbangs?

DoIspendmostofmydaytyping“Where’sthebeef?

”andthenerasingit,overandoverandover?

again?

Thesemysteriesweleavetotheuniverse。

Othermysteries,likethemysteryofwhyyoualreadyhavemutualfriendswiththisnewguy,butyouhaven’tsomuchascalledlong-distanceladytowarnheroftheshiftingtides,wetacklerightnow。

Sowhatgives?

Imean,howmanyweeksareyougoingtoletthiswomanlookforwardtoyour“tour”withoutlettingherknowit’s?

dunzo?

Ihadalong-distanceboyfriendonce?

—?

strangelyenough,hewasALSOafriendofminebeforethat。

Mutualattractionledto“Whynot?

”ledto“Imissyou,doesthatmeanwe’restar-crossed?

”inasimilarfashion。

ButIalwayssuspectedwewerecollaboratingonanoverlyembellishedbitoffantasy,andthesecondIstartedfeelingattractedtosomeoneelse,Icalledtobreakupwithmysort-ofboyfriend。

(HethoughtIshould’vepurchasedaround-tripplaneticketandshowedupathisdoorstepandTHENbrokenupwithhim,bytheway,andhehasn’tspokentomesince,eventhoughweonlydatedcasuallyforafewmonths,andwewerefriendsforyearsbeforethat。

Sothere’syourWHYNOT,people!

)Mypointis,these“Whynot?

”thingsrarelyendwellnomatterwhatyoudo,butmypersonalfeelingisthatifyouknowconditionshaveshifteddramatically,YOUSAYTHATASAFP。

(That’sAsSoonAsFuckingPossible,see?

Doyoukidsusethatabbreviation?

DotheseHammerpantsmakemyasslook?

fat?

Soyouhaveloadsofguiltoverthingsthataren’treallyyourresponsibility(beinginanot-very-seriouslong-distancerelationshipandthenfallinginlovewithsomeoneinyourtown)andyoudon’thavemuchguiltoversomethingthat’snuts(allowingawidecircleofhumanstocheeronyournewlovematchwhileyourlong-distanceladyremainsnonethewiserandtexts,emails,colors,waxes,etc。

inanticipationofherupcoming?

visit)。

Thisstateofaffairsleadsmetobelievethatyoustrugglewithguiltandpeople-pleasingtosuchanextentthatyouapologizeforthingsthataren’tyourfaultwhilesimultaneouslycommittingothercrimesthatyoudon’tevenrecognize。

Doyouhavetroubletrustingyourowninstincts?

Doyoufeelterriblewheneveryoudon’thaveapartner?

Becausesuddenlythishoppingfromstonetostonethingyou’redoing?

—?

andthatyournewguyisdoing,too?

—?

isstartingtoseemalittlemoresuspect,givenyourwobblynotionsofyourself,yourrights,yourculpability,etc。

Ohboy。

AndnowI’mstartingtothinkthatmaybeyouwantedtowaitandseeifitworkedoutwiththenewguyBEFOREyouburnedanybridgeswithyourlady!

Anddidn’tyoualsoask“WhatifIchangemymindwhenIfinallyseeherintheflesh?

”Areyouoverthegoddamnmoonoraren’tyou,motherfucker?

Nowtheroomisspinning,andnotjustbecauseIboughttheVirginiaSlims100sinsteadofmyregularUltraLights!

Is“polyamorous”sometimesjustanotherwayofsayingReallyFuckingIndecisive,oramIjustacrustyoldsliceofagingSolidGolddancer?

Eitherway,I’mgoingtohavetobackitonupandsaythatyoureallysounduncertainaboutwhatyouwantfromlife,andalsoalittlebitoverlyfocusedonotherpeople’sopinionsof?

you。

SonowI’vegottowarnyouthatthisisaprettydangeroustimeforyoutobecommittingtoaguywho’stenyearsolder,whowillnaturallywanttoguideyou,bethematureone,reassureyou,etc。

I’mnotsayingyoushoulddumphimflatout。

Butifyouseetheslightestsignthatwhathereally,reallylovesaboutyouisyourmalleability,needforapproval,needtobereassured,need,needneed?

Andhecallsyoubabyalotandcallshimself“Daddy”(It’sajoke!

Really!

)andtalksabouthowyourbodyissooomuchbetterthanhisex’sbody?

(Which,whosaysthat?

WhatsickoldChesterTheMolestersegmentofmybraindidthatevenspringfrom?

)Andhesortofseemstobelievethathiswayofdoingthingsistheabsolutebestwayforeveryone,andpartoftheproblemwithhisbitchexisthatshecouldneverjustgowiththeflow?

—?

HISflow?

Butyou,youaresoperfectandadorableandhere’showIlikemycoffeeandhere’showIlikemycocksucked?

etc?

OK,fine,Ihavealittleexperiencewithfeelingneedyandlost,andwantingsomeoneolder,withajobandahouseandalife,togivemeallofthosethingsatatimewhenitseemedlikeeverythingwassoimpermanentandlooseandsadandscary,andeveryonewasmovingtoothercitiesfarawayandnoonejuststayedinthesameplaceandtheconceptof“community”belongedtooldpeopleinHammerpants。

Likemyexboyfriend。

WhoworeHammer?

pants。

I’mnotactuallysayingyourguyistheguyIjustdescribed。

No,notremotely。

Thefactthatotherfriendsloveyoutwotogether?

(You’resurethey’retellingthetruth,right?

)That’ssomewhatreassuring,ifthey’renotjustbeingpolite。

Hehasfriends,youhavefriends,theyallbecamefriends,they’reallapprovingandapplauding?

Istillcan’tbelievethesevillagesareformingandeveryoneiscelebratingenmasseandyourgirldoesn’tknowathingaboutanyofit。

ButOK,theoretically,outsideparties?

approve。

Butlisten:IFyouarealittlewobblyandshakyandscaredandneedyrightnowANDheisalittlecontrollingandheseemstothinkyou’regoingtoneatlyfoldyourlifeintohisandeverythingwillbewonderful?

Andyoushouldmovetohissideoftown,intohishouse,anddothingsthewayhedoesthem?

Ifallofthatistrue,andifthe“honest”talksyouhaveareactuallyhimsubtlyherdingyourfeelingsandthoughtsintightlittlecircles?

ThenIwouldbewary。

Andifhedrinkstoomuch,orsmokesatonofpot,andismaybesomethingofanescapist?

Thatwouldmakemewary?

too。

Butlet’sjustassumehe’sawesomeandsensitiveandyounever,everfeellikeyou’retheeasyanswertohislifefalling?

apart。

Here’swhatyoustillneedtodo:Calllong-distancelady。

Yes,youshouldfeelguiltythatyoudidn’tdothatalongtimeago。

Thatwasn’tcool。

Doitnow。

Tellherthetourseemslikeabadidea(ifthat’spossible)andyoucan’tdothatanymore。

Tellherthingshavechangeddrastically,andyou’resorry。

Tellher?

now。

Andthen,well,Iwouldfindatherapist。

Doyouhaveajobyoucareabout?

Doyouhaveclosefemalefriends?

Doyouhaveafull,happylife?

Don’tdisappearintothisnewguyuntilyouknowthatyou’renothidingfromyourownlife。

Focusonyourlifefirst,andkeephiminthewingsalittle。

(Asin,maybeyoucouldseehim2xaweekandotherwisedoyourownthing?

)Ifhe’smature,he’llbefinewithsome?

space。

Andyouknowwhat?

Ifheisontherebound,hewillFREAKOUTaboutyouspendinglesstimewithhim。

Hewillfreakoutandyou’llreallyhavetowonderifyouwanttohitchyourwagontohis…stallion。

Orhisgentlyused?

engine。

Iamafanofdivorcedmen,fortherecord。

Imarriedone。

He’s7yearsolderthanme,andheisawesome。

Wetalkabouteverything,andit’swhatIwantedforalongtime。

ButifI’dmethimbeforeIhadacareer,lotsofclosefemalefriends,afewyearsoftherapyandaclearsenseofwhoIwas,Iwould’vedriventhatshipstraightintotherockyshore。

Andthat’snotjustmesittinghereinmybadperm,surroundedbyfullashtrays,humming“DogandButterfly。

”Ifyouweren’tsecond-guessingupastorm,Iwouldnotseetrouble?

brewing。

ButIremembertheoldendays,throughthishazeofmentholatedsmoke,whenIdidn’tknowmyselfandIdidn’twanttoknowmyself,Ijustwantedtofeelbetter。

Iwantedsomeoneorsomethingoutsideofmetoswoopinandfixeverything。

SometimesIfeltsocrazywithindecisionthatIwouldbreakouttheMagic8Ball。

(No,that’snotmylittletermforagiantbagofhigh-gradecocaine。

Imeanthetoy!

Thetoythattellsyouwhatthefucktodowithyourlife!

)。

OrIwouldstickmyfingerintothemiddleofBartlett’s。

(No,Bartlettisn’talittleman-whoreIhiredintheolddays。

That’sabook,madeoutofpaperandstuff!

)Wherevermyfingerwasresting,thatpassageheldthekeytomy?

destiny。

Hey,let’sdothatrightnow!

Let’stypein“love”and“familiarquotations”andseewhatwefindontheinternet。

Herewe?

go:

“Ittakesalotofcouragetoreleasethefamiliarandseeminglysecure,toembracethenew。

Butthereisnorealsecurityinwhatisnolongermeaningful。

Thereismoresecurityintheadventurousandexciting,forinmovementthereislife,andinchangethereispower。

”?

—?

Alan?

Cohen

Well,hey。

Thatworks。

Butwait,there’sanotherquoterightunderthat?

one:

“TheolderIgrow,themoreIdistrustthefamiliardoctrinethatagebringswisdom。

”?

—?

H。

L?

Mencken

Well,there’syouranswerrightthere。

Don’tlistentome!

Dowhatyou?

feel。

Best,

Polly

DoyouhaveacriticalvoiceinyourheadthatsoundsjustlikeNinaGarcia?

WritetoPollyandshe’llblowmentholatedsmokeinyour?

face!

HeatherHavrilesky(akaPollyEsther)isTheAwl’sexistentialadvicecolumnist。

She’salsoaregularcontributortoTheNewYorkTimesMagazine,andistheauthorofthememoirDisasterPreparedness(Riverhead2011)。

Sheblogshereaboutscratchypants,personalitydisorders,andagedcheeses。

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